Sunday, December 10, 2017
Parenting & Relationships

Tell Me About It: Insincere proposal is beyond a red flag

Q: Three months ago, my fiance proposed to me. We had been together over four years at the time, and own a home together. It's now apparent he only proposed to keep me happy and he only speaks negatively about weddings and marriage in general. He has done nothing but impede wedding planning, and wants to put off the ceremony for another year.

How do I approach the question of whether I want to marry someone who doesn't seem to really want to marry me? I'm not willing to stay not-married forever. I was very close to leaving for this exact reason, and when he realized I was serious, quickly worked to get me an engagement ring.

Invested in Marriage

A: You sound less like partners and more like roommates with specific objectives. Different objectives at that. How much do you guys talk, and how deeply? Where's the intimacy here?

Try, please, to have the conversation: "You say (blank), (blank) and (blank) about weddings and marriage and general. I plan the wedding, you postpone the wedding."

If he won't tell you what he really thinks and feels at this point, then the marriage is not happening, even if it happens. The point of marriage is intimacy, and intimacy is about sharing yourself honestly and mutually. Not grumpy deflecting.

In the interest of full disclosure, your whole description of this relationship screams "over." People propose insincerely because for whatever reason they don't want to disrupt their day-to-day lives. It's so selfish.

And it sounds for your part that your "goal" of marriage is no longer about him anymore, or about what the two of you create together emotionally, but instead about formalizing a vision you formed years ago.

Think big, speak honestly, and be brave enough to let the right outcome reveal itself, instead of pushing for one you think you want. Or pushing away from one you're afraid of.

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